Saturday, September 30, 2017

Twenty Six

My birthday is Monday and I've just been thinking about my life. Literally everything that has led up to me being who I am. Everything from people I've met to experiences I've encountered. Within the past year I've learned a few things about myself.

I've learned that I want to leave a positive impression on people. Regardless of theirs.
In twenty five years, I've lived in four countries and three states. I've been in 11 schools and in that time, I've met countless people. People who I've spent a year(or more) sitting next to in class. People at the drive thru. Or a doctors office. Some people I saw everyday and some I never saw again. But they were all left with an idea of who I was.

There is a part of your life that lives on in someone else's mind. To someone, I'll forever be the girl who was constantly ashy. To someone, I'll forever be the girl from Hurricane Katrina. To someone, I'll forever be the pregnant senior. To someone else, I'll forever be the girl who was pumping in a community dorm bathroom at UGA. 

You get the idea.

If you run into someone you haven't seen or talked to in a while, catch up! Try to leave a positive image of yourself. And maybe they'll leave a new one of themselves as well! 

What's meant to be will be. 
Obvi, I have goals and ideas of how to reach them, but if something changes along the way, I know that everything will work out the way it's meant to be.

I firmly believe that my destiny is out of my control. 

After being a control freak for 25 years, I've had to adjust to the realization that what's meant to be will be. Whether it's good or bad. I just know what's meant for me will happen in the time it's supposed to happen. 

I still honestly have no idea how I got pregnant with Jaxon. Trust, I was not trying to be pregnant then or maybe ever again. 

I had a miscarriage six months before finding out I was pregnant with Jax. We still don't know why my water broke at 16 weeks. I think that's why I was genuinely concerned. I became insanely anxious. All the time. Constantly worrying about anything and everything. I had realized that I wasn't living anymore. I knew could not live the next eight months in constant fear. I had done everything right with Baby Esco and we still lost him. What was meant to be would be. Whatever was supposed to happen would happen.

I read a book by a monk named THICH NHAT HANH where he spoke about how we all live in fear. How fear restrains us from living our best life. I always think about his rememberances.

As horrific as that experience was, I had one just as incredible. Bella was in the room with us and Steph, a bestie, snuck in, too. Another plus, my mom was in a better place than when I had Bella. 

This past year, I've been trying let go of my worries and focusing on the moment. If is bad, I know that it's a time for learning and it will leave. If it's good, I enjoy it as much as possible for it is leaving, too.

I also realized I was in search of happiness. I thought things would make me happy. There would be something to show how hard we worked. How great we were doing. I quickly realized that things weren't enough. I needed to be content. Yes, I want to have a house but I also want memories. But the thing is, we'll make memories regardless of our house. It's the moments and people that make it a home. Now I know I want security for my children, for me, for my future. I recently found a quote from OTH. 

Happiness isn't a destination but a mood. I can find happiness just about anytime! It's contentment that remains constant. Knowing what matters. Knowing the difference between wants and needs. I honestly think I'm happier now that I've found genuine content.

Within the next year I hope to learn during my sweaty sixth year: patience.

Zamn, that was long. 

Happy #LibraSzn

Monday, September 18, 2017


Eight year old me would be disgusted with twenty-five year old me. See, EightYearOldShanice decided to plan her wedding. I blame it in part to the fact we didn't have cable. She was about the baller wedding. Princess gown with a crown veil. Seven bridesmaids and he would have seven groomsmen. There would be two flower girls. One for my entrance and actual dropping of flowers. One to carry my train. Oh, and one ring bearer. There would be a tooon of food and friends and gifts.

Sorry, Miss Extra. But at least you married the right guy.

It wasn't that Dev and I didn't want to get married, it's just that a lot of people were invested in our relationship. And let's be honest. The wedding isn't about you. It's about your guests. We had accumulated friends and family over the past ten years. There were a lot of people who wanted to celebrate this union with us! 

We had discussed marriage before and we even started planning but it became overwhelming. And expensive!  #ZeroToAhunnid The venue. The decor. The flowers. The reception. The food. The DJ. The dresses. The tux. I'm sure family would help but I didn't want to assume. Even if they did, we didn't know how much they would invest.

So we put it off until we could realistically afford a wedding.

Until one night while we were tucking in Bella for bed. We had a conversation that went something like this.

Bella: I'm a Bayon and Daddy is a Bayon but you're a Wilson. Why is your last name Wilson?
Me: Yeah, Dev. Why aren't I a Bayon?
Devon: One day she will be!
Bella: Really?! SHE WILL?!

She immediately became excited! As Dev and I left the room, we looked to each other and simultaneously said, "We have to get married."

We figured we should save what we would spend on a wedding and use it toward a badass honeymoon instead. We decided to "elope" and then go on a cruise in September of 2016. It gave us plenty of time to save.

But God was funny and in May of 2016, I was eight weeks pregnant but no one knew. Dev and I had already planned to get married in September but I'd be seven months pregnant. So basically, hell nah to September.

It was the end of May and we literally had something to do every weekend until mid-August. We quickly came to the realization that we needed to get married ASAP. We decided that no family would attend since Devon has family in NY and they wouldn't make it in time. We had two weeks to get our shit together. 

Although we were "eloping", we didn't keep it a secret. I discussed getting married with everyone! AND BOI! I'm glad I did. Surprisingly, everyone respected our decision when I explained that money was holding us back from marriage. Everyone I talked to told me that they wish they had just gone to the courthouse. So many people had horrific narratives about their wedding/wedding prep. From people losing friends and/or family, going actual bridzilla, and regretting spending hella dough on one day. One woman spent so much that it's been five years and she is still paying off the wedding! Even after the divorce!

As a little girl, I thought that weddings were magical days of love not nightmares of animosity!

Initially, I didn't want to be judged for being non traditional. But after having these wild ass discussions, I knew that I was doing the right thing. We did keep a few traditions, though. My mom and I went dress shopping, I had a bouquet and a cake! Bella was even able to be the flower girl for all eight couples. *crying emoji* She was living for it.

Although no one was at the courthouse, we still wanted to celebrate. After the ceremony, we went to dinner with our best friend, Drew, my family and Devon's mom. It was perfect! Minus the whole not partaking in the toast. *eye roll* 

But I's married nah!

I'm plotting on doing a post about tips for a courthouse wedding. Just in case someone out there wants to save some cash. And a headache.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Chaperoning will be lit

It's still bizarre to me that Bella is at an age of actual friendships, meaningful conversations and teeth losing. As cliche as it is, she's growing up so fast! 

I'm watching one of my best friends grow up into who she is supposed to be! It's the best! I see how she's matured and changed when handling situations, from anxiety to frustration.

Dev, Bella and I are all each other's best friends. I mean, sometimes she forgets the boundaries but we're quick to shut it down.**

And as any besties, we are involved in each other's lives. It's important to us that we attend all of Bella's school events, friends' birthday parties and social gatherings. 

All of this to say, I'm controlling af and going to be a chaperone for a field trip to the local zoo! Devon and I chaperoned one last year and we had such a fun experience I had to volunteer again! I'm stoked! Unfortunately, no siblings so I'm riding solo while Dev is in baby duty.

Now, the real question is, do I stunt on these hoes? The weather is going to be warm but possible rain *eye roll* so I'm not sure what I'm going to wear! 

UPDATE: I had a badass kid in our group and almost made him stay with the teacher but he damn near cried in front of everyone so I couldn't be that mom and I regret it. I should have given him up. 

**Also if you're cool with your children, they tend to forget you're a parent. Their feelings might be hurt because of something you did or said. Simply remind them that your responsibilities as a parent are to keep them safe, healthy and happy. And in that order. If you say no to something, ask them is this action safe and healthy? Are the consequences worth their happiness?